"I will never get over feeling like Lady Macbeth. You will be the spot of blood I can't clean from my memory."
I had you there for me
I wanted you there to hold me up
To listen to my stories my pains my fears
To be my companion every second of every day
So I never had to be alone
My default
My lover
A stand-in
for the obsessions that controlled me
You treated me the way I'd always dreamed he would
You gave it all
All
Anything I wanted or asked for no matter how unfair
you gave it no questions asked
I wanted so much for you to be THE ONE
for my compulsion for the other to go away
so that the feelings I WANTED to feel for you might come
but I couldn't make it happen
I dont know why honestly dont know why
I know that I couldn't trust you to keep the crazy at bay
Couldn't trust in your ability to take care of me
You were still so inexperienced as an adult no matter how hard you kept trying not to be
and I know what I needed from you was unfair completely unfair
but it was what I needed
to not be afraid to stop the constant nagging fear the mental defect
that made me incapable of functioning
I had you there for me
I needed you to save me
I just didn't know how to tell you how to fix it
but it wasnt always that way
There were times I was so so happy so completely filled with need for you
with love
You have every right to be angry to hate me to be furious to cut me out of your life
as you have done
I hurt you so badly and so often
treated you as if you were disposable took you for granted
but I am angry too so angry
because you never believed I didnt have a choice
that my behavior had outgrown my ability to control it
that I couldnt seem to help it
or fight the constant feelings that were driving me
You blame me like I did it on purpose that I wanted to hurt you
You couldnt understand this sickness
and I hate you for that
You gave up on me too soon
and too late
September 10, 2007
I had you there for me
I wanted you there to hold me up
To listen to my stories my pains my fears
To be my companion every second of every day
So I never had to be alone
My default
My lover
A stand-in
for the obsessions that controlled me
You treated me the way I'd always dreamed he would
You gave it all
All
Anything I wanted or asked for no matter how unfair
you gave it no questions asked
I wanted so much for you to be THE ONE
for my compulsion for the other to go away
so that the feelings I WANTED to feel for you might come
but I couldn't make it happen
I dont know why honestly dont know why
I know that I couldn't trust you to keep the crazy at bay
Couldn't trust in your ability to take care of me
You were still so inexperienced as an adult no matter how hard you kept trying not to be
and I know what I needed from you was unfair completely unfair
but it was what I needed
to not be afraid to stop the constant nagging fear the mental defect
that made me incapable of functioning
I had you there for me
I needed you to save me
I just didn't know how to tell you how to fix it
but it wasnt always that way
There were times I was so so happy so completely filled with need for you
with love
You have every right to be angry to hate me to be furious to cut me out of your life
as you have done
I hurt you so badly and so often
treated you as if you were disposable took you for granted
but I am angry too so angry
because you never believed I didnt have a choice
that my behavior had outgrown my ability to control it
that I couldnt seem to help it
or fight the constant feelings that were driving me
You blame me like I did it on purpose that I wanted to hurt you
You couldnt understand this sickness
and I hate you for that
You gave up on me too soon
and too late
September 10, 2007
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